My life is very possibly more than half over. It’s a sobering thought. One that finally woke me from a night of half sleeps and disjointed dreams. In less than three months I will be 40 and while I hope to get another fifty or sixty years out of this body, realistically even forty more might be pushing it.
Earlier in the night I was having a dream — one of those weird dreams where you are technically asleep but somehow simultaneously awake and strangely aware of your real-world surroundings, like the cat licking your toe while your husband snores loudly next to you.
Anyway, in the dream I was visiting a college with a high school acquaintance I have not seen in more than twenty years. I have no idea why she was in my dream except that someone needed to ask me the question and knowing her to be deeply religious I suppose my subconscious cast her in the role.
The question. Do you believe in God. I looked around the room. It was filled with people I knew. Friends from grade school, perpetually locked in a state of third grade innocence. Friends from high school and college, sporting high-waisted jeans and bad perms. Friends from the theater, ridiculously dressed in character.
Do you believe in God. I considered the question. I looked around the room again. I saw my son Chris. Do you believe in God? “I believe in more than this,” I replied.
My friend nodded. Chris told me we had to go. He said, as he has said to me a million times before, “We have so many adventures.” It was all very ominous and overly dramatic so I just assumed I was dying. But then the cat bit my toe and I woke up.
So my life is very possibly more than half over. And now I am left with this thought early on a Sunday morning. It keeps me awake and the dogs know I’m awake because they have started to do the Dance of the Full Bladder on my full bladder. Todd, no longer snoring, graciously offers to take them outside and make coffee, leaving me alone to ponder my half life.
It’s a good life. I’ve done a lot. I’ve made friends. I’ve made impressions. I’ve seen the world. I’ve kissed a girl. I’ve kissed a boy. I’ve had great romances and passionate affairs. I’ve fallen in love many times. I’ve been happy and I’ve been sad. I’ve known great joy and even greater disappointment. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve said I’m sorry. I’ve laughed. I’ve been a husband. I’ve been a father.
And so it goes for forty more years, hopefully at least. More living. More adventures. Starting now. Because I’m awake.