hashtag hashtag

I’m passionate about everything.  My #hashtag is my weapon, always at the ready to alert social media to the many very important topics which spark my moral outrage.  From geriatric feline pornography to celebrity split-ends to undocumented political slut-banging homosexual hipsters to Lyme disease and TMJ — I feel all the feels.  So consuming is my passion, so worn-out is my uppercase 3 key, so bankrupt are my emotional reserves that I have no time left for anything real…which is fine because, I mean, who does real anymore?  After all these are the teens, not the aughts.  Real is for people who still watch American Idol.  No, real is for peope who still vote after watching American Idol.

Me.  I operate on a plane higher than real.  It used to be when I read a story (in the newspaper!about something awful — like #gluten — I would pause briefly to consider just how horrible a place the world could be and then move on to more pressing issues — like high fructose corn syrup — but no more!  Now when I read about #gluten (on my iphone6!) I instafacegram the social media out of that combination gliadin and glutenin wheat endosperm protein.  I hashtag #gluten back to the 20th century (where it belongs!) like some latter-day Pentecostal Elizabeth Hasselback.

But I’m more than causes. When celebrities die I take to Twitter to eulogize them with movie quotes from their most popular films. And it doesn’t matter that I’ve never seen those movies or that I borrowed those quotes from IMDB because after I win the #warongluten I will watch them. And besides you don’t actually have to have seen a movie to talk about how it changed your life when you didn’t see it for the first time when you were seven years old. Some movies are so powerful they transcend being viewed.


I’m being facetious.

My point is when you feel everything you kinda sorta feel nothing. You’re just being lazy.  I mean, if you spread yourself thinner than me in the summer of 2013 you might look good, but the truth is there just won’t be enough of you to go around.

So if you feel the same way about gender inequality as racial injustice as gay rights as immigration as healthcare as whatever the topic du jour is then you need to check yourself.

Be passionate. Be morally outraged. Hashtag social media until it can’t walk. But be smart about it. The people in charge of change aren’t listening when you scream about everything.

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